These 2 Steps Can’t Be Avoided When It Comes to Self-Love

Before we talk about Forgiveness and Self-Acceptance i.e 2 steps to Self-Love, let me talk about Self-Love.

What is Self-Love?

Self-Love means loving oneself completely irrespective of one’s shortcomings, becoming aware of oneself, and working on what one needs to do to become the best version of oneself.

Check the previous blog on “What is Self-Love and why is it important for us?” to know more about Self-Love and why it must be a part of your life.

Self-Love is the hardest thing to do because you need to face yourself i.e looking at your own flaws you have been hiding from yourself and from the outside world and It takes a lot of courage to do.

We hate to see our own flaws because that is what we have been doing since we grew up, that is not our fault, because we were brought up in that way by our parents and society.

Steps to Self-Love

Self-Love journey can’t be started until You->

• Forgive yourself
• Accept yourself

When you were born, you didn’t know anything about terms like forgiveness and acceptance. 

No one told you What you should do and shouldn’t do otherwise you will be punished and How you should look like.

you just did everything you wanted to do and accepted the way you were.

But when you grew up, people around you started putting labels on everything->

• You need to get these many marks to get your parents’ love.
• You need to look in a specific way to be loved by someone.
• What you can do and what you can’t.
• Where you can go and you can’t go.
• Who to talk to and trust?
• What do you need to do in your life to be successful?

And so on.

And whenever you questioned any of these labels or break any of them, you always were punished.

Now you started treating yourself in the same way, your parents did.

You don’t need to blame your parents, because they have done the best they could whatever they have learnt from their parents, but it is not necessary to continue with that and punish yourself and compare yourself with others.

Let’s talk about Forgiveness and Self-Acceptance in detail.

Forgiveness

You all have made mistakes in your past or maybe someone you loved did something wrong with you. You have been carrying out past grudges with you wherever you go and they are blocking you from moving on to the beautiful future you are meant to create for yourself.

You might be thinking, “How to leave the past behind then?”

There is only one way – Forgiveness.

And it is not easy to forgive, but there is no other way to let go and move on.

You are not going to forgive someone for them, but for yourself. Because if you don’t forgive others you are going to give your power away.

@selfloveisthepower

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever seen any Hotel or PG owner allowing someone to stay at a hotel or a PG without paying rent? No, right. So why would you allow someone to get a free space in your mind who is taking your mental peace away?

If you don’t forgive yourself or others, it means you are angry at yourself or someone else and that is not an act of Self-Love, but a roadblock to Self-Love.

Because when you start loving yourself, there is no place for anger, jealousy, frustration, judgement, but love instead because that will be inside you.

Let me share my experiences and the people I worked with of how forgiveness changed my and their life and put our lives back on track.

Note: I can’t share anyone’s identity here, because I can’t break someone’s trust who has trusted and shared their trauma with me they couldn’t share with anyone.

Not Forgiving Myself for Every Mistake I Make

Whenever I would make any mistake at work or in my life, I always beat myself up with a belt every day. 

Instead of avoiding mistakes, I was making more mistakes, hence I was punishing myself and getting into Self-Hatred.

The biggest mistake I have made in my life

I believe 2-3 years back, I joined the Network Marketing business if any of you have heard about that. It was about making people emotionally fool and asking them to join you so that you will make money. But the person who joined you will make nothing until someone is going to join them.

I love photography and wanted to buy a camera, but Amazon and other e-commerce companies didn’t accept debit cards, hence I thought to give that business a try. 

I was brainwashed that I couldn’t see how I would manage everything from paying PG rent, buying basic households to paying the loans I have already taken before I had taken a loan to put into the business.

After a few months, I was completely broke. I couldn’t pay PG rent for 5 months and I couldn’t return people’s money I had borrowed when I was in need. A few of the people put WhatsApp status about me that I couldn’t keep the promise I made to return their money back.

I used to sleep in the office on a chair for a few days thinking if my owner catches me, will ask me to leave and I won’t have any other option but the road to stay.

I couldn’t even afford 10/- to take the bus to the office and money for dinner at work. I used to walk to the office and it takes 40 minutes on foot. One of my colleagues used to get dinner for me every day.

After 6 months, I left that business and was in guilt thinking, “What If I couldn’t pay PG rent, return everyone’s money back? What if I couldn’t pay the loan? Where would I go?” My mind was full of negativity and I wasn’t able to focus on work. I used to listen to Louise Hay’s affirmations all the time. 

I have shared about a book by Louise Hay “You can heal your life” in my introduction. She has shared an affirmation for Forgiveness.

She says, Open your arms wide and say to yourself with grace, “I am willing to forgive myself and others and set myself free.”

You don’t need to know how to forgive, you just need to be willing to forgive, the universe will show you the way.

I used this affirmation over and over again until I started forgiving myself and learnt the lessons from my mistakes.

I started understanding that if I knew, I would have done things differently, but I didn’t, hence I have made a mistake.

Not Forgiving My Father for Not Being a Good Husband

I have never seen my mother happy, not even once in my lifetime. I have always seen fights between them. Whenever something happens, my father always shouts at my mother and says bad things about her parents.

I hated my father for years, but I never express that hate in any way, but my body was expressing it through lower backache. If you have lower backache, it is a sign that you need to forgive someone. I have learnt about how our mind affects our body in Louise Hay book called “Heal your body“.

It didn’t only affect my childhood but my adulthood as well. I always hated the word “marriage” and thought if marriage is all about abuse and fights, I had better stay single.

It took me a lot of courage to forgive him. And I thank one of Louise Hay’s books “The power is within you” where she has told that our parents too want love. They don’t know how to love themselves and they can’t teach us.

Though I know deep down inside me that I really want to have someone in my life with whom I can share my life, dreams, happiness, and sorrow. The person who I can lean on, but whenever I look at my parents, my dream always shatters.

I am still working on all the limiting patterns I have got looking at them and other unhealthy relationships around me. I believe that I can release them completely and the person who deserves me will show up.

Not Forgetting My Past and Letting It Go

I am crying while sharing the worst experiences I had and praying every day to let them go. I am so grateful to God for saving me.

They have been blocking me for years from trusting any guy, not even my father and brother. I never feel comfortable with any man whenever I am alone with them.

I never shared these incidents with anyone except for 2-3 of my close friends, but I wanted to share them here.

Because I have read in one of my favorite books “Trust your Vibes” by Sonia Choquette, where she has told, “When you let go of your past, your present truth emerges. It takes a lot of energy to carry your history with you all the time, and it clouds your connection to the divine. So choose to become extremely curious about your new story, in what God has in mind for you now and for tomorrow. Then decide not to let your past define you anymore. Retired from the old saga and move on.”

First incident

I believe when I was in 4th standard, I was alone at home, someone wanted to kiss me.

Second incident

I am not sure how old I was at that moment, I went to someone for help and that guy asked me to take off my clothes. I just ran away from that place.

Third incident

I was sleeping at home and the person sleeping next to me put his hand in my shirt and was about to touch my private part. And since that incident, I never slept next to anyone.

Fourth incident

Earlier we used to have a toilet without any door. Now we all have toilets with doors.

I was having periods those days. I was sitting on the toilet. Someone came and stood in front of me.

To this day, I couldn’t forget those incidents and I always think every man is the same and doesn’t have any respect for any woman.

I send my love and forgiveness to all of them who tried to hurt me. I can’t allow my past to destroy my present and future anymore.

My parents have seen so many guys, but when they use the word “Marriage”, my mouth shuts off. I don’t know how to tell what is in my mind, I have been struggling to let go. The more I try, the hard it gets for me. I am so grateful to my parents for never forcing me to marry until I say Yes.

I don’t know who to trust and how. A girl who can’t even feel safe and comfortable at home, how she will trust someone and feel safe with a stranger she doesn’t even know.

I do believe I deserve someone like Justin Boldani who took a stand for gender equality and didn’t bother about what society is going to say to him. And I am going to meet that person not sure when, but yeah in this lifetime.

A Woman Was Harassed by Her Father-In-Law

I have worked with a woman and her life changed after she started loving herself. One day she called me and she cried, “Ji, my father-in-law watches porn every day and his wife doesn’t know that. He has tried to kiss me and touched my body. I am feeling so guilty that I couldn’t do anything.”

It was hard for her to forgive herself, but she did it anyway. She has alerted him that if he does something like this again, she will take a step against him.

An Adult Young Boy Was Misbehaved by His Violent Father

He was 20 years old when we met on Instagram 2 years back. He told me about his parents. They are kind of violent. His dad scolds him for 3 hours daily after he drinks.

Because of their behavior he has got a Migraine and is suffering from severe headaches.

He has Dyslexia since his childhood and has some reading problems. He can’t understand more than 4-5 written sentences. He has been trying to find ways to study properly for the last 4 years, but failed.

After starting Self-Love he has stopped bothering about other people’ behavior and becoming a good person for himself.

He is the best artist I have seen in my life.

Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance means accepting oneself completely->

• The way you look, be it you are fat or thin, tall or short, black or white
• The way you talk
• The way you eat
• Clothes you like to put on 
• The way you feel
• How quickly or slowly you grab things

Have you ever realized when you were born, you have ever compared yourself with others, no right?

Because you never knew this word at all, until you grew up.

Since you grew up, you were not only compared by your parents, but also by your teachers, friends (if they have done, they are not real friends), relatives, bosses.

And you started believing in their opinions about you and started living them. It makes you start comparing yourself in the same way.

When you compare yourself with others, you can’t see your talents, because your focus is on what others are good at and it really affects your self-esteem.

@selfloveisthepower

Myself Comparing With Other Girls

I compared myself with other girls for years. I never liked my looks because other people commented on my body that I don’t look like a girl but a boy and that made me hate myself for being a woman.

While I was pursuing my post-graduation, I went for an internship. I didn’t know English that well. Whenever I tried, people always made fun of my broken English and asked me to speak Hindi. I used to feel bad.

Since I started my Self-Love journey, I started taking small steps toward more self-acceptance. And one day came when I accepted myself completely – my broken teeth, my broken English, my identity as a woman.

A Girl Couldn’t Forgive Her Father Beucase He Hated Her

One of my clients, I don’t call anyone clients. By the way, I would love to call everyone my friends I work with. 

She is 21 years old. Her parents don’t like her at all. She has period problems and that’s why she has gained weight. Her parents don’t try to understand, but compare her with others and never be happy with her clothing choices.

She is a really good singer and storyteller, but her parents don’t allow her to pursue what she loves to do, but put her in a college where she is not happy at all.

A Girl Was Compared by Her Parents With Her Sister

A girl was bullied in her school for her looks. Her parents do compare her with her own sister that she is not worthy and good enough to do anything.

She studies and it is obvious when your focus is on studies you won’t do household work. One day she tried to close the Pressure Cooker, but she failed and her mom said she doesn’t know anything.

I would say that is fine if you don’t know, but you can learn if someone is there to teach instead of judging and making you realize that you are not enough.

You all are gifted with a purpose and You can live that purpose only if you would focus on what you are good at instead of what you are bad at.

@selfloveisthepower

We all are unique in one way or another. God didn’t make any mistake by sending us into the world in a different shape or color, or whatever it is.

If a fish is going to compare itself with a bird, she will forget her identity and if it tries to fly, she will die.

Maybe you are not good at dancing, or whatever, but you can be good at writing, singing, photography, leadership, drawing, etc.

Forgive and accept yourself completely to start a beautiful journey that is waiting for you to live your purpose to serve the world, God has given to you.

If you still think you are not good enough, watch this video by Nick Vujicic who was born without legs and arms. He has tried committing suicide when he was 10, but he has realized that he has a gift to share with the world to realize that we all have a purpose to serve.

If you want to know more about his life, check his book Life Without Limits.

I will be sharing Self-Love exercises I have been using for years with you to figure out all limiting beliefs you have, where you have got them, and how to release them completely to become the person you are meant to be.

If you have any such trauma you feel difficult to let that go and move on. Please feel free to share in the comments or email me at [email protected]. I respect your privacy.

Thank you for your time. If you found this article beneficial, Feel free to share it with your friends on your favorite social media platform.

With Love and Gratitude,

Sarbjeet Kaur